Here are some things I find amusing:
(They all probably exist in some form or other elsewhere on the Internet,
but I present them here for your convenience and enjoyment.)
Click the
to see the details...
Note: You may notice a very slight British bïas in some of these
jokes and stories. That might be because I am British (note also the flag
above - this is usually a dead giveaway!)
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Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years
of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian (Or at this
time in history, a Roman).
Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who
inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are
victorious only when not led by a Frenchman." she is then burned at
the stake and, a fair time later, Sainted.
Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose
two wars when fighting Italians.
Moors in Spain, late 700s-early 800s. - Even with Charlemagne leading them
against an enemy living in a hostile land, French are unable to make much progress.
Hide behind Pyrenees until the modern day.
Norse invasions, 841-911. - After having their way with the French for 70
years, the Norse are bribed by a French King named Charles the Simple (really!)
who gave them Normandy in return for peace. Normans proceed to become just about
the only positive military bonus in France's favour for next 500 years.
The Battle of Hastings - Won, but not by the frenchIn 1066 A.D. William The
Conqueror, Duke of Normandy launches the Largest Invasion in the history of the
world (no other was as large until the same trip was taken in reverse on June 6th
1944). William Fights Harold for the Throne of England Which old king Edward rightfully
left to William but Harold Usurped the throne. He fights the Anglo-Saxons (the old
Britons), wins and the common belief is that the French rule England for
the Next 80 Years, start the largest building and economic infrastructure since
the fall of the Roman Empire causing the Norman Economy to skyrocket and inadvertently
start England on its way to becoming a major World Power.
However, most people overlooked some basic facts. Firstly, Philip the First (1060
- 1108) was King of France at the time of the Norman invasion of 1066 - William
was Duke of Normandy and, incidentally, directly descended from the Vikings. William
was, therefore, as alien to France as the experience of victory. Since Philip did
not invade England, the victory at Hastings was Norman - not French. Normandy may
be a part of France now but it most certainly wasn't in 1066. Therefore, William's
coronation as King of England had nothing whatsoever to do with the French. As usual,
they were nowhere near the place when the fighting was going on. The mistaken belief
that 1066 was a French victory leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "When
incapable of any victory whatsoever - claim someone else's".
Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots
Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to
get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants
started ignoring her.
War of Revolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.
The Dutch War - Tied
War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War - Lost,
but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world
over to label the period as the height of French military power.
War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their
first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.
American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future
Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action.
This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to another Rule
of French Warfare; "France only wins when someone else does most of the fighting."
French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also
French.
Barbary Wars, middle ages-1830. - Lost (money). The pirates in North Africa
continually harass European shipping in Mediterranean. France's solution: pay the
pirates to leave them alone.
India, 1673-1813. - Lost to the British, who were far more charming than
French, and therefore ended up the victors. A a result the British are well known
for their tea, and the French for their whine (er, wine...).
Seven Year War 1756-1763 - Lost. After getting hammered by Frederick the
Great of Prussia (yep, the Germans again) at Rossbach, the French were held off
for the remainder of the War by Frederick of Brunswick and a hodge-podge army including
some Brits. War also saw France kicked out of Canada (Wolfe at Quebec) and India
(Clive at Plessey).
Haiti, 1791-1804. - French defeated by rebellion after sacrificing 4,000
Poles to yellow fever. Shows yet another rule of French warfare; "When
in doubt, send an ally."
1798-1801, Quasi-War with U.S. - French privateers (semi-legal pirates) attack
U.S. shipping. U.S. fights France at sea for 3 years; French eventually cave; sets
precedent for next 200 years of Franco-American relations.
The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!)
due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear
designer. It should be noted that the Grand Armee was largely (~%50) composed of
non-Frenchmen after 1804 or so. Mainly disgruntled minorities and anti-monarchists.
Not surprisingly, these performed better than the French on many occasions.
The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat
boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.
Mexico, 1863-1864. - Lost. France attempts to take advantage of Mexico's
weakness following its thorough thrashing by the U.S. 20 years earlier ("Halls
of Montezuma"). Not surprisingly, the only unit to distinguish itself is the
French Foreign Legion (consisting of, by definition, non-Frenchmen). Booted out
of the country a little over a year after arrival.
Panama jungles 1881-1890. - No one but nature to fight, France still loses;
canal is eventually built by the U.S. 1904-1914.
World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by Britain and
then the United States (entering the war late as usual). Thousands of French women
find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call
her "Fraulein.".
World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by Britain (and the United
States who entered the war late again) just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel
Song.
War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with the
Dien Bien Flu
Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army
by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of
Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical
to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish,
Vietnamese, Vikings and Esquimaux.
War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders
to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador
fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.
Total Wins: zero Total
Losses: all
The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be "Can
we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France collapses?"
General N. Schwarzkopf is quoted as saying: "Going to war without France is
like going deer hunting without an accordion. All you do is leave behind a lot of
noisy baggage."
...or, better still, the quote from the Wall Street Journal: "They're there
when they need you."
French-on-French losses probably should be counted as victories too, just to be
fair:
1208: Albigenses Crusade, French massacred by French. - When asked how to
differentiate a heretic from the faithful, response was "Kill them all. God
will know His own." Lesson: French are bad-asses when fighting unarmed men,
women and children.
St. Bartholomew Day Massacre, August 24, 1572. - Once again, French-on-French
slaughter.
Third Crusade. - Philip Augustus of France throws hissy-fit, leaves Crusade
for Richard the Lion Heart to finish.
Seventh Crusade. - St. Louis of France leads Crusade to Egypt. Resoundingly
crushed.
Eighth Crusade. - St. Louis back in action, this time in Tunis. See Seventh
Crusade.
It also should be noted that France attempted to hide behind the Maginot line, sticking
their head in the sand and pretending that the Germans would enter France that way.
By doing so, the Germans would have been breaking with their traditional route of
invading France, entering through Belgium (Napoleonic Wars, Franco-Prussian War,
World War I, etc.). French ignored this though, and put all their effort into these
defenses thus effectively defeating themselves.
The French consider the departure of the French from Algeria in 1962-63, after 130
years on colonialism, as a French victory and especially consider C. de Gaulle as
a hero for 'leading' said victory over the unwilling French public who were very
much against the departure. This ended their colonialism. About 2 million ungrateful
Algerians lost their lives in this shoddy affair.
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The British government, in relation to recent terrorist threats, has raised their
security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved”. Soon, though, security levels
may be raised yet again to "Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross". Londoners
have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all
but ran out.
Terrorists themselves have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody
Nuisance”. The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning
level was during the Great Fire of 1666.
Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert
level from “Run” to “Hide”. The only two higher levels in France are
“Surrender” and “Collaborate”. The rise was precipitated by a recent
fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s
military capability.
It’s not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy
has increased the alert level from “Shout loudly and excitedly” to “Elaborate
Military Posturing”. Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations”
and “Change Sides”.
The Germans also increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance”
to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs”. They also have two higher
levels: “Invade a Neighbor” and “Lose”.
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they
are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully
designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look
at the old Spanish navy.
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Three groups head to Africa to hunt elephants: engineers, mathematicians, and programmers.
(They got a good deal on a charter flight.)
The engineers start out by catching gray animals at random. They stop as soon as
one of the captured creatures weighs within plus or minus 10% of any previously
reported elephants. Task accomplished.
The mathematicians begin by proving the existence of at least one unique elephant.
Then they throw out everything that is not an elephant and catch one of whatever
is left. (Professors of mathematics would prove the existence of at least one unique
elephant and then leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as an exercise
for their graduate students.)
Programmers implement the following algorithm:
Start at the Cape of Good Hope.
Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent alternately east and
west.
During each pass east or west, call the following subroutine:
a. Catch each animal seen.
b. Compare each animal caught to a known elephant.
c. Stop when match is detected.
Before starting the operation, the programmers place a known elephant in Cairo in
order to ensure orderly termination of the algorithm. (Assembly language programmers
prefer to execute the algorithm on their hands and knees.)
Since there was a little space left over on the flight, a few other professions
join the elephant hunt:
Sales people don't hunt elephants, but spend their time selling elephants they haven't
caught, for delivery two days before the season opens. Software sales people ship
the first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an elephant. Hardware sales
people catch rabbits, paint them gray, and sell them as desktop elephants.
The economists don't actually hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants
are paid enough, they will hunt themselves.
Consultants don't hunt elephants, and probably have never hunted anything at all,
but they can be hired by the hour to advise those people who do.
Politicians don't hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants you catch with
the people who voted for them.
Lawyers don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around arguing about
who owns the droppings. (Software lawyers will claim that they own an entire herd
based on the "look and feel" of one dropping.)
Senior managers set broad elephant hunting policies based on the assumption that
elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper voices.
Quality assurance inspectors ignore the elephants and look for mistakes the other
hunters made when they were packing the jeep.
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- We keep our last name.
- The garage is all ours.
- Wedding plans take care of themselves.
- Chocolate is just another snack.
- We can be president.
- We can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
- Car mechanics tell us the truth.
- The world is our urinal.
- We never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too "icky".
- Same work, more pay.
- Wrinkles add character.
- Wedding dress - $5000; tux rental - $100.
- People never stare at our chest when we're talking to them.
- The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
- New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle our feet.
- One mood, ALL the time.
- Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
- We know stuff about tanks.
- A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
- We can open all our own jars.
- We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
- If someone forgets to invite us, he or she can still be our friend.
- Our underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
- Everything on our face stays its original color.
- Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
- We don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
- We almost never have strap problems in public.
- We are unable to see wrinkles in our clothes.
- The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
- We don't have to shave below our neck.
- Our belly usually hides our big hips.
- One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
- We can "do" our nails with a pocketknife.
- We have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
- We can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45 minutes.
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Those who understand Binary,
...and those who don't.
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"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949.
"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.
"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best
people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the
year."
The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957.
"But what ... is it good for?"
Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968 - commenting on
the microchip.
“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.
"640K ought to be enough for anybody."
Bill Gates, 1981, commenting on size of RAM in computers.
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- State Worker
- Exact estimate
- Act naturally
- Found missing
- Resident alien
- Genuine imitation
- Airline food
- Good grief
- Government organization
- Alone together
- Small crowd
- Business ethics
- Soft rock
- Butt head
- Military Intelligence
- Sweet Sorrow
- "Now, then..."
- Passive aggression
- Clearly misunderstood
- Peace force
- Extinct Life
- Plastic glasses
- Terribly pleased
- Computer security
- Political science
- Tight slacks
- Definite maybe
- Pretty ugly
- Microsoft Works
- Working vacation
- Religious tolerance
- American Justice
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- There is no "I" in "teamwork." But there is in "management kiss-up."
- If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.
- The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
- Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG 14 times
gives you job security.
- If you think we're a bad company, you should see the competition.
- Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings; they did it by killing all
those who oppose them.
- 2 days without a human rights violation.
- Your job is STILL better than asking, "You want fries with that?"
- If at first you don't succeed, try management.
- Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself.
- The beatings will continue until morale improves.
- Pride, Commitment, Teamwork. Words we use to get you to work for free.
- If at first you don't succeed, delegate it.
- Plagiarism saves time.
- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
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The European Commission has just announced an agreement that English will be the
official language of the EU rather than German (the other possibility). As part
of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had
some room for improvement, and has accepted a 5 year phase-in of new rules which
would apply to the language and re-classify it as "EuroEnglish".
The agreed plan is as follows: In Year 1, the soft 'c' would be replaced by 's'.
Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump for joy. The hard 'c' will be
replaced by 'k'. This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan now have one less
letter. ('ch' will remain the same).
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome
'ph' is replaced by 'f'. This will reduse 'fotograf' by 20%.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach
the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage
the removal of double letters, which have always been a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent 'e's in the language is disgrasful
and they should eliminat them.
By year 4, peopl wil be reseptiv to lingwistik korektions such as replasing 'th'
with 'z' and 'w' with 'v' (saving more keyboard spas).
During ze fift year, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou' and
similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer combinations of leters. After zis fifz
year, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis
and evrion vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer.
ZE DREM VIL FINALI HAF KUM TRU!
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A programmer had been missing from work for over a week when finally someone noticed
and called the cops. They went round to his flat and broke the door down. They found
him dead in the still running shower with an empty bottle of shampoo next to his
body. Apparently he'd been washing his hair.
The instructions on the bottle said:
1. Wet hair
2. Apply shampoo
3. Lather
4. Rinse
5. Repeat
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A programmer started to cuss
Because getting to sleep was a fuss
As he lay there in bed
Looping 'round in his head
was: while(!asleep()) sheep++;
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Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary,
System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor,
Longing for the warmth of bed sheets,
Still I sat there, doing spreadsheets:
Having reached the bottom line,
I took a floppy from the drawer.
Typing with a steady hand, I then invoked the SAVE command, and waited for the disk
to store,
Only this and nothing more.
Deep into the monitor peering, long I sat there wond'ring, fearing,
Doubting, while the disk kept churning, turning yet to churn some more.
"Save!" I said, "You cursed mother! Save my data from before!"
One thing did the phosphors answer, only this and nothing more,
Just, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
Was this some occult illusion? Some maniacal intrusion?
These were choices undesired, ones I'd never faced before.
Carefully, I weighed the choices as the disk made impish noises.
The cursor flashed, insistent, waiting, baiting me to type some more.
Clearly I must press a key, choosing one and nothing more,
From "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
With my fingers pale and trembling
Slowly toward the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,
Praying for some guarantee
Timidly I pressed a key.
But on the screen there still persisted words appearing as before.
Ghastly grim they blinked and taunted, haunted, as my patience wore,
Saying "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
I tried to catch the chips off-guard-
I pressed again, but twice as hard.
I pleaded with the cursed machine: I begged and cried and then I swore.
Now I sat in desperation, trying random combinations,
Still there came the incantation, just as senseless as before.
Cursor blinking, angrily winking, blinking nonsense as before.
Reading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
There I sat, distraught, exhausted by my own machine accosted
Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor.
And then I saw a dreadful sight: a lightning bolt cut through the night.
A gasp of horror overtook me, shook me to my very core.
The lightning zapped my previous data, lost and gone forevermore.
Not even, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
To this day I do not know
The place to which lost data goes.
What demonic nether world is wrought where data will be stored?
Beyond the reach of mortal souls, beyond the ether, into black holes?
But sure as there's C, Pascal, Lotus, Ashton-Tate and more,
You will one day be left to wander, lost on some Plutonian shore,
Pleading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?
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Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the United Nations. The only questions
asked was:
"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage
in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a huge failure because...
- In Africa they didn't know what "food" means.
- In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" means.
- In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" means.
- In China they didn't know what "opinion" means.
- In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" means.
- In South America they didn't know what "please" means.
- In the US they didn't know what "the rest of the world" means.
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There was a young couple who were very much in love. On the night before they were
to be married, both were killed in an automobile accident. They found themselves
at the pearly gates of heaven being escorted in by St. Peter.
After a couple of weeks in heaven, the prospective groom took St. Peter aside and
said, "St. Peter, my fiancée and I are very happy to be in heaven, but we miss very
much the opportunity to have celebrated our wedding vows. Is it possible for people
in heaven to get married? St. Peter looked at him and said, "I'm sorry, I've never
heard of anyone in heaven wanting to get married. I'm afraid you'll have to talk
directly to God about that. I can get you an appointment for two weeks from Wednesday."
Come the appointed day, the couple was escorted by the guardian angels into the
presence of the Lord God Almighty, where they repeated the request. The Lord looked
at them solemnly and said, "I tell you what; wait a year and if you still want to
get married, come back and we will talk about it again."
A year went by and the couple, still very much wanting to get married, came back.
Again, the Lord God Almighty said, "I'm sorry to disappoint you, but you must wait
another year, and then I will consider your request." This happened year after year,
for ten years. Each time they reasserted their yearning to be married; each time
God put them off for another year.
In the tenth year, they came before God to ask again. This time the Lord answered,
"Yes, you may marry! This Saturday at 2:00 p.m. we will have a beautiful ceremony
in the main chapel. The reception will be on me!" The wedding went off without a
hitch. The bride looked beautiful. Buddha did the flower arrangements for which
Moses wove simple yet elegant baskets. Jesus prepared the bread and fish, of course.
All of heaven's denizens attended, and a good time was had by all.
Tragically, but perhaps inevitably, the lovers eventually realized that they had
made a horrible mistake. They simply couldn't stay married to one another. Therefore,
they made another appointment to see God. Grovelling and frightened, they asked
if they could get a divorce. God heard their request, looked at them, and said,
"Look, it took us TEN YEARS to find a priest up here in heaven. Do you have any
idea how long it will take us to find a lawyer?"
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- We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man
standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
Winston Churchill (1903)
- Every time government attempts to handle our affairs, it costs more and the results
are worse than if we had handled them ourselves.
Benjamin Constant, Brazilian statesman
- There are severe limits to the good that the government can do for the economy,
but there are almost no limits to the harm it can do.
Milton Friedman, Nobel laureate
- A government that is big enough to give you all you want is big enough to take
it all away.
Barry Goldwater
- Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed.
- There is no worse tyranny than to force a man to pay for what he does not want
merely because you think it would be good for him.
Robert A. Heinlein
- You cannot bring about prosperity by discouraging thrift. You cannot strengthen
the weak by weakening the strong. You cannot help the wage earner by pulling down
the wage payer. You cannot further the brotherhood of many by encouraging class
hatred. You cannot help the poor by destroying the rich. You cannot keep out of
trouble by spending more than you earn. You cannot build character and courage by
taking away mans initiative and independence. You cannot help men permanently by
doing for them what they could and should do for themselves.
Abraham Lincoln
- Government cannot make man richer, but it can make him poorer.
Ludwig von Mises
- Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage
boys.
- There is no virtue in compulsory government charity, and there is no virtue in
advocating it, A politician who portrays himself as "caring" and "sensitive" because
he wants to expand the Government's charitable programs is merely saying that he's
willing to try to do good with other people's money. Well, who isn't? And a voter
who takes pride in supporting such programs is telling us that he'll do good with
his own money - if a gun is held to his head.
- The Tenth Commandment [thou shalt not covet] sends a message to collectivists,
to people who believe wealth is best obtained by redistribution. And the message
is clear and concise: Go to hell.
P. J. O'Rourke
- Government's view of the economy should be summed up in a few short phrases: If
it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. If it stops moving, subsidize
it.
Ronald Reagan (1986)
- Give me control over a man's economic actions, and hence over his means of survival,
and except for a few occasional heroes, I'll promise to deliver to you men who think
and write and behave as I want them to.
Benjamine A. Rooge
- A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend of the support of
Paul.
George Bernard Shaw
- If you have been voting for politicians who promise to give you goodies at someone
else's expense, then you have no right to complain when they take your money and
give it to someone else, including themselves.
Thomas Sowell (1992)
- The American people will never knowingly adopt Socialism, but under the name of
Liberalism, they will adopt every fragment of the Socialist program until one day
America will be a Socialist nation without knowing how it happened.
Norman Thomas - Socialist Party Presidential candidate (1976)
- No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in session.
Mark Twain (1866)
- In general, the art of government consists in taking as much money as possible
from one party of citizens to give to the other.
Voltaire (1764)
- I think the terror most people are concerned with is the IRS.
Malcolm Forbes, when asked if he was afraid of terrorism
- Our forefathers made one mistake. What they should have fought for was representation
without taxation.
Fletcher Knebel, Historian
- No republic has long outlived the discovery by a majority of its people that they
could vote themselves largesse from the public treasury.
Alexander Tytler
- Ships are safe in harbors, but that's not what ships are for...
Unknown
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To the citizens of the United States of America,
In the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA, and thus
to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence,
effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all
states, commonwealths and other territories. (Except Utah, which she does not fancy.)
Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable David Cameron, MP for the 97.85% of
you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders)
will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress
and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to
determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown
Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up
"aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly
you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as
“favour” and “neighbour”, skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness
on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half
the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed'
not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn
that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced “burra”, e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to
respell Pittsburgh as “Pittsberg” if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.
Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary".
Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like"
and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up
"interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're
not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When
you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as
often. Once you see the BBC TV standard of documentaries you will be too embarrassed
to keep having so many poor quality "reality" shows and other programs you refer
to as documentaries which are best described as 5-minute sound bites repeated and
spread out a couple of minutes at a time over an hour between 10-minute periods
of commercials for pick-up trucks, insurance, this year's popular medications and
lawyers offering to sue the manufacturers of last year's popular medications on
your behalf.
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.
The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter
'u' and the elimination of "-ize".
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really
isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or
Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional
accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.
While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as
Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling
it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire,
Louisianashire.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.
Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British
sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered
down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional
political incorrectness.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only
after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give
up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football.
What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you
who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no
one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and
should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with
the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed
to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping
for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like nancies).
We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2013. You should
stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series'
for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware
that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead
of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "Rounders" which is
baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed
to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because
we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items,
you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday,
but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good.
When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections
will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate
effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the
benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand
the British sense of humour.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not
real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including
the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called
Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps".
Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment
to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained
to be more aggressive with customers.
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made
within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made
within the city of Boston itself.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at
all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred
to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred
to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth
be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine", with the exception of the product
of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen
Gnat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000
years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be
permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2013) prices with the former USA. The
UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will,
in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $14/US gallon - get used to it).
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists.
The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult
enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult
enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then
you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure
the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your co-operation and have a great day.
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Eye halve a spelling checker
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marks four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My checker tolled me sew.
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For those who thought the hardest part of Physics 101 was the constant conversion
from MKS or
CGS units to English units, here are some useful English system conversions:
- Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi
- 2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton
- 1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope
- Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond
- Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram
- Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: Knot-furlong
- 365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling: 1 lite year
- 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Serling • Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon
- 1000 aches: 1 megahurtz
- Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower
- Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line (think about it for a moment)
- 453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake
- 1 million-million microphones: 1 megaphone
- 1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles
- 365.25 days: 1 unicycle
- 2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds (work on it....)
- 10 cards: 1 decacards
- 1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton
- 1000 grams of wet socks: 1 literhosen
- 1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche
- 1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin
- 10 rations: 1 decoration
- 100 rations: 1 C-ration
- 2 monograms: 1 diagram
- 8 nickels: 2 paradigms
- 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: 1
I.V. League
- 100 Senators: Not 1 decision
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The Original Joke:
Heaven is where the police are British, the cooks are French,
the mechanics are German, the lovers are Italian and it's all organized by the Swiss.
Hell is where the police are German, the cooks are English, the
mechanics are French, the lovers are Swiss, and it's all organized by the Italians.
The More Accurate Joke:
Heaven is where the police are British, the cooks are British,
the mechanics are German, the lovers are British and it's all organized by the Swiss.
Hell is where the police are American, the cooks are Vegans, the
mechanics are French, the lovers are Swiss, and it's all organized by the US Government.
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A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and tells the loan officer that she's
going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The loan officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so
the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls-Royce, which is parked in front of
the bank. She has the title and everything checks out, so the bank agrees to accept
the car as collateral for the loan.
As the blonde leaves with the money, the bank's president and officers enjoy a good
laugh at someone using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An
employee moves the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it.
Two weeks later the blonde returns and repays the $5,000 and the interest, which
comes to $15.41.
As he hands the keys back to the blonde, the loan officer says, "Miss, we are very
happy to have had your business, and the transaction has worked out very nicely;
but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked your background and
found that you are a multi-millionaire. Why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks
for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
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Two doctors and an HMO manager are killed in a train wreck and line up at the Pearly
Gates for admission to heaven.
Saint Peter asks them to identify themselves.
One doctor steps forward and says, "I was a Heart Transplant surgeon. I helped hundreds
of people to live longer, fuller lives."
Saint Peter says, "Enter."
The other doctor says, "I was a pediatric specialist. I helped hundreds of children
with all manner of ailments."
Saint Peter nods and invites him into heaven.
The third applicant steps forward and says, "I was an HMO manager. I helped countless
people get cost-effective health care."
Saint Peter tells him, "You can come in, too."
As the HMO manager walks by, Saint Peter adds, "But you can only stay for 3 days."
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A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready
to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and tore
off the door on the driver's side. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone,
dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.
Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming
hysterically about how his Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was
now completely ruined no matter what the body shop did to it!
When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook
his head in disgust and disbelief. "I cannot believe how materialistic you lawyers
are," the cop said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice
anything else."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down?
It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."
"My God!" screamed the lawyer. "My Rolex!"
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A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a car when he spotted
a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.
The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his
car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"
The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working. The
mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag. "So Doc, look at this engine.
I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back
in, and when I finish, it works just like new."
"Very good, nice surgical analogy!", said the surgeon.
"So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you
and I are doing basically the same work?"
The surgeon paused, smiled, leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic...
"Try doing it with the engine running!"
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Recently, Frank, an American tourist on a visit to England, was honoured to be selected
as a judge at a curry cook-off. The original judge called in sick at the last moment
and Frank was standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the Budweiser
beer wagon when the call came. He was assured by the other two judges (a skinny
Indian guy and some wimpy-looking Brit) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy,
and besides, they told him he could have free beer during the tasting; so he accepted.
Here are the scorecards from the event:
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Curry Name
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Judge #1: Rajesh
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Judge #2: Nigel
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Judge #3: Frank
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#1:
Manoj's Maniac Mobster Monster Curry
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A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
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Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
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Holy s*it, what the h*ell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your
driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one.
These currymunchers are crazy.
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#2:
Applesamy's Afterburner Curry
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Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
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Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
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Keep this s*it out of the reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to
taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich
manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
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#3:
Farouk's Famous Burn Down the Barn Curry.
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Excellent firehouse curry! Great kick. Needs more beans.
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A bean-less curry, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
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Call Colesburg, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting
Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid
pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting
s*it-faced from all the beer.
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#4:
Barbu's Black Magic
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Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.
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Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not
much of a curry.
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I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible
to burn-out taste buds? Savathree, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh
refills; that 300 lb. Bit*h is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste
I'm eating. Is curry an aphrodisiac?
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#5:
Laveshnee's Legal Lip Remover
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Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very
impressive.
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Curry using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers
make a strong statement.
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My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus
my eyes. I f*rted and four people behind me needed paramedics to tend to their singed
hair. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her curry had given me
brain damage. Savathree saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on
it from an ice cold pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really p*ssed
me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
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#6:
Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
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Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spice and peppers.
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The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
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My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I s**t
myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems
inclined to stand behind me except that sl*t Savathree, she must be kinkier than
I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my a** with a fist full of
ice!
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#7:
Sugash's Screaming Sensation Curry
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A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.
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Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of curry peppers at the last
moment. I should note that I am worried about JudgeNumber 3. He appears to be in
a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
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You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a fu**ing
thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing
water. My shirt is covered with curry which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants
are full of lava-like s**t to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll
know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it,
I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the
4 inch hole in my stomach.
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#8:
Hansraj's Mount Saint Curry
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A perfect ending, this is a nice blend curry, safe for all, not too bold but spicy
enough to declare its existence.
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This final entry is a good, balanced curry, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that
most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the curry
pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder
how he'd have reacted to a really hot curry?
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Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party. Jack is
not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't
even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered
if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple
of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single
red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him
in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror
written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark in lipstick:
"Honey,
Breakfast is on the stove; I left early to get some
groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight.
I love you, darling!
Love, Jill"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot
coffee and the morning newspaper.
His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son, what happened
last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over
the coffee table and broke it, then you puked on the carpet, and got that black
eye when you ran into the hallway door."
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and
so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh THAT... Mum dragged you to the bedroom, hauled you onto
the bed, and when she tried to take your trousers off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone,
I'm married!' "
Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Carpet Shampoo $15.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time... PRICELESS!
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- If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here
for?
- If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that 1 out of 5 enjoys
it?
- Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren’t they just stale bread to begin
with?
- If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren’t people from Holland called
Holes?
- If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
- Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a
racecar is not called a racist?
- If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn’t it follow that electricians
can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons
debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
- If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
- Do Lipton Tea employees take ‘coffee breaks?’
- What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?
- Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?
- Whatever happened to Preparations A throughG?
- As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the two words ‘The’
and ‘IRS’ together, it spells ‘THEIRS’?
- Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
- One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
- Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
- If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
- The main reason that Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls
live.
- I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self- help section?"
she said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
- What if there were no hypothetical questions?
- If a deaf child signs swear words, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
- If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered
a hostage situation?
- Is there another word for "synonym"?
- Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
- What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
- If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
- Would a fly without wings be called a "Walk"?
- Why do they lock petrol station toilets? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
(US translation) Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid
someone will clean them?
- If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it homeless or naked?
- Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
- If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
- Why do they put Braille on drive-through bank machines?
- How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
- What was the best thing before sliced bread?
- One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
- Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?
- Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
- How is it possible to have civil war?
- If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
- If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
- If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
- Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
- Why are hemorrhoids called "Hemorrhoids" instead of "Assteroids"?
- Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
- Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
- If you spin an oriental person in a circle three times, do they become disoriented?
- Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?
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- abstract art gallery() { … }
- bool me_over;
- byte me;
- c++;
- case in_point:
- char broiled;
- class action { … };
- const int pressure;
- Convert.ToString( hemp );
- decimal results;
- double jeopardy;
- Exception taken;
- event handling;
- for (score = 20; years == 7; ) { … }
- foreach (hot chick in this.room) { flirt(); }
- float valve;
- Graphics ex;
- int erupt;
- lock (this.up) { … }
- long john_silver;
- long walk(short pier) { … }
- object strongly;
- override your objection() { … }
- private property keep_out() { … }
- protected free speech() { … }
- public display of_affection() { … }
- return to_sender;
- short circuit;
- sizeof (the_situation);
- static cling free() { … }
- string cheese;
- struct by_lightning { … };
- take a; break;
- throw up;
- typeof (writer);
- uint rested;
- ulong for_love;
- unsafe { at any = speed; }
- using your.brain;
- virtual void in_my_heart() { … }
- void where_prohibited() { … }
- while (e_coyote) { … }
And for the grand finale:
struct SoftwareConsultant
{
double salary;
long lunches;
float jobs;
char unstable;
void work;
int hiring_him_again;
const pain_in_the_backside;
unsigned agreement;
short fuse;
volatile personality;
static progress;
};
/* and there are no unions in sight */
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- Who is this Rorschach guy and why does he paint so many pictures of my parents fighting?
- Two sociologists are sitting by the pool.
One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?"
to which he replies, "Yes, it's these silly wicker chairs."
- Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint.
The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Oh s---, I forgot to feed the dog!"
- A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?"
The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
- There are two types of people in the world:
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
- Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek.
Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them.
Pascal is nowhere to be seen.
Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand.
He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side.
Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!"
Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
- A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting.
The biologist shoots at a deer and misses, 5 feet to the left.
The chemist takes a shot and misses, 5 feet to the right.
The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
- What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Answer: Beer
- A photon checks into a hotel and the bellhop asks him if he has any luggage.
The photon replies, "No, I'm travelling light."
- Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero?
He's 0K now.
- There are only two hard things in computer science:
- cache invalidation,
- naming things,
- and off-by-one errors.
- A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his trousers mended.
The tailor asks, "Euripides?"
The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
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